Let's Talk About Sex: Fifty Shades of Grey

[Shadowhunter]

We live in a society where the word sex is still considered taboo for regular discussion. Adults insist that children and young adults don't need sex education, even as the alarming numbers of teen pregnancy and child molestation continue to grow.

Yet, there is no shame in using sexual images and innuendos for advertising. There is no shame in catcalling, sexual harassment, and using derogatory and sexual slang and references in public. There is no shame in producing and listening to sexually explicit music or fornicating in pubic. There is no shame in the growing popularity of 50 Shades of Grey, for example.

We see the books lining the shelves of bookstores. We see the hype and hear the longing sighs of smitten readers across the globe. We see the dismissive shrugs and eye rolls of yet another "chick flick". We watch the giggling, infatuated fans that insist others have to read it and have to see it. 50 Shades of Grey has taken over Valentine's Day and parodies of it are all over the internet, including a Disney parody (yes, the same Disney that children obsess over). It's everywhere we look.

You know who else sees all this? Children. Young adults. The sexually inexperienced. Sexual predators. Abusers. The easily influenced. And they see the world cheering it on. Happily cheering it on and unabashedly lusting after it. It must be socially acceptable then, right?

WRONG.

Many activists and experts have been speaking out about the glamorized abuse in 50 Shades of Grey. I would think this is more important than a fictional abusive sex story, but the 50 Shades fan club is still growing. Many readers and viewers have educated themselves in this category to understand that this story is poorly written and does not accurately portray BDSM or any related fetishes at all. What it does instead, is turn a forced sexual relationship into romance, love, and dreams. Many readers are being exposed to BDSM for the first time through this series.

However, many will try experimenting what they see in the movies and take the submissive "No" as a dominant "Yes" because that's what the book and movie imply. Many will sexually assault others and use the series as an excuse (this is already happening) for their abusive actions. Many will be traumatized and learn to fear sex and/or intimate relationships as a result of this and works like it. Many will be the victims of rape and sexual assault and will hide their shame, guilt, and pain behind the great publicity of this "must-read/must-watch" fad. Many will not understand that they are repeating acts of abuse. Many will not understand that they are being abused.

As this false interpretation of the "darker" world of sex is publicized and glamorized, what kind of message are we sending? I'm not condemning BDSM and related kinks. I'm saying if sex must be celebrated and pushed in our faces, then educate people with accurate information. Don't portray an inexperienced virgin who has yet to decide what her sexual needs and desires are as a consenting "submissive" to an abusive "dominant" "lover" who throws her into something she knows nothing about and does not understand with no ground rules or middle ground to speak of.

You want BDSM out there?

That's great! Show consenting partners in a real, mutually respectful relationship with predetermined ground rules, and explain how the safe word and aftercare works. People try things they see in the media every day, and something as popularized as this has made negative headlines around the world.

I cringe at the thought of those who are hidden or prohibited from getting accurate information about what a healthy sexual relationship is and see glimpses of things like this and take it as truth because they just don't know any better. Ignorance is bred from lack of knowledge. Why not turn these multi-million dollar internationally influencing opportunities into positive examples and sources of information?

Give both men and women real roles to make some real influences and changes in the world. Give us examples of equality to squeal about.

Show more healthy relationships so people can stop looking at dysfunctional ones in the media as excuses for their own.

Stop giving aggressive people an excuse for their actions.

Stop teaching us that being doe-eyed and clueless and jumping into a sadistic sexual relationship, the ground rules of which one does not know of or understand, is something to celebrate and is something that is normal.

Stop teaching us that those with experience have the right to invalidate the feelings and desires of the inexperienced and take advantage of their lack of knowledge and call it "sexy", "romantic", or "true love".

Stop emphasizing how lost we are without crazy sex and dysfunctional relationships, and how we need that to live life.

Give men and women real expectations for healthy sexual relationships where all parties are respected, listened to, understood, consenting, and loved.

Stop desensitizing people to acts of violence and sexual aggression.

NOTE: The opinions in this post are the personal sentiments of Shadowhunter, as a separate person, and does not necessarily reflect that of the site or staff. We are open to discussion on all opinions and welcome everyone to post their views.

 

[LadyDeath]

As an avid fan of Romance novels and Paranormal Romance Novels i have a strong opinion on this. Please understand where i am coming from

Firstly, there are many BDSM books out there that are badly wose off than Fifty Shades Of Grey that i have read such as The Dark Duet Series By CJ Roberts , Siempre , Gabriel's Inferno and many more ! How come they are not publicized and they have close to 5/5 stars?

I have read Fifty Shades Of Grey when it first came out years ago, however, my review was that it was a " chick-lit " book and nothing more. The scenes were poorly written and just like Twilight it was too cheezy to imagine in reality. It was meant for teeny bopers.Being written as it is , it attracted all the teens and became a big rave . You know how girls are ! After all the fangirling and spreading of news, all of this s%^t happened.

Often writers put a warning that their books are in no way- " socially acceptable, contains sexual violence, disturbing situations, dubious consent, strong language, and graphic violence, forced consent . 21+ years and over. Please read at own risk. " etc. The media is to blame. I don't know why the media choose to publicize this book. Yes they are many fan clubs for books all over the internet, but do they make media attention? NO!

Sex used to be something closed in society. It was always whispered in hush tones and never allowed to be publicized or even sang on radio. I honestly do not blame the writer E.L James for her crappy writing skills and unimaginable scenes because there are many BSDM romance authors that are not publicized due to their very mature content that teenies cannot handle. It is an individual's choice to read it .

The media influence has taken over Valentine's day, distorted reality of relationships and sex for children, teens and young adults. It put something out there that is very uncomfortable for others to speak about such as BDSM and wrongly educated the younger generation on these sexual practices.

We must not mix up BDSM with Abuse and here is why:

ABUSE: No CONSENT whatsoever! It is defined as an action that INTENTIONALLY harms , or injures another person without their consent.

BDSM: The key word is CONSENT. While outwardly the two might appear to be similar (one person hurting and/or controlling another) in the setup of it there is a decided difference - here everyone agreed to it.There is a fundamental difference between doing something out of pyschological torment, rage, terror, desolation, hate, and doing something out of joy, connection, fun, affection, love. Yes their can be abuse in BDSM, however, there are communities and rules to follow to prevent this. There is also a safe word to use and the agreement can be ended without complications. There is nothing that a dominant can do to a submissive that she doesn't want.

FACT: Submissive have most of the power than the Dominant. BDSM can also be used to help Abuse and rape survivors. It can also help abusers and high tempered people deal with their issues and prevent it happening in their other relationships.

WHAT PUBLICIZING A SHITTY BOOK TAUGHT THE WORLD:
- Go for a rich man
- Let a man push you around and force you to do things you don't want to do ( abuse)
- Let a man control your every actions and force you in uncomfortable situations
- Let a man control your sexuality.
- Girls are easy to get and will submit to any man
- Once you are rich you can push around any girl and they will instantly fall in your lap etc.

CONCLUSION

- E.L James book is a shitty representation of BDSM
- It was written for teens > rave > media publicization > became open in society where everyone who were never educated about these sexual practices became intrigued and adopted these practices into their lives. It distorted their reality and thinking. They never even bothered to research it
- Abuse is different than BDSM but the difference was blurred in this book.
- BDSM can even help abuse and rape victims .
- The openess in society now are allowing things that are kept in locked doors to be publicized. This is why our future generation is changing.

 

[Shadowhunter]

I agree with you. However, I think something is very wrong with society when we think that this sort of material (and worse) is appropriate for teens and those who lack general knowledge in understanding healthy intimate relationships. They are, for the most part, still figuring out what they want, like, how they identify sexually etc. Even in Twilight, which is YA fiction, I would freak the hell out if I had a daughter and any of those characters went after her. From stalkers, control issues, the inability to respect when a woman says "no", normalizing a woman who was disfigured by her partner and stays with him, it just goes on.

Young adults dream over this and fantasize about it. Even adults do the same. They want their Edwards, Jacobs, and Christians. They wish they could find a man like that. They wish they were the girl getting all that attention in the book. I'm pretty sure some of them are using the books and movies as excuses to turn down guys in real life and lust after guys that are similar to these characters. Many men have rightly pointed out the hypocrisy in fan girls fantasizing over these characters but complaining that men in real life don't treat them right.


This is why I have a problem with Disney, for example. Sure, it's just fictional cartoons for kids. But they are watching. They are reading. They are internalizing these messages. How many little girls do you see proclaiming that they want to marry a rich prince so they can be a princess? Little boys insisting that girls should stay back because only boys can fight the bad guys in pretend play and get a kiss as a reward (no consent required for this unwritten rule, apparently set in stone)?

Disney is finally getting the message and in recent years has been trying to incorporate different forms of diversity and equality in their works. Now girls don't need to be on the hunt for a rich prince. Both genders can work hard to achieve their dreams and the prince/princess is optional. Boys don't have to demonstrate their masculinity by saving the day and expecting something in return. Both genders can do random acts of kindness as a good person (forget prince/princess stereotypes) and respect that each person has the right to say yes or no regardless of how nice or persistent the other party is. Women don't need to be the wicked witch in every story; instead they can help each other. Men aren't always the heroes; sometimes they are villains, sometimes women are the heroes. The "happy ending" no longer has to be defined by marriage (to a stranger nonetheless) and children. Hopefully we will one day see LGBT and other sexual orientations being represented as well.


In no way does 50 Shades of Grey accurately portray BDSM. It is a poorly written depiction of an abusive relationship with BDSM slapped across it as many people still do not understand these types of relationships. Most people see or hear bondage is involved and automatically assume any involvement with bondage = BDSM. This is quite incorrect, but remains popular because it is the majority opinion. The minority that are trying to educate people about these things are being gently swept under the rug to make room for the next hot, steamy "romance".


In the same way that Disney is embracing its influential power, why can't books and movies do the same? Men still dominate award ceremonies because, as many actresses and feminists are pointing out, women aren't given enough real roles. Women are still mostly portrayed as a sex interest, pretty face, trophy wife/girlfriend, side character that only has an expert opinion or powerful stance if she is attractive, damsel in distress, or a powerhouse doomed to become helpless and in dire need of rescuing by a stereotypical man (modern day prince) and in return provides intimacy. There are movies that portray women in a powerful way, but how many of them do it respectfully, tastefully, and in a manner that demonstrates equality?


Works like 50 Shades of Grey have the power to influence millions (as we can see). Why not throw in some accurate information and realistic, respectful behaviors? I know abuse is not BDSM but not everyone knows that. The points that you made should be highlighted to educate people and I agree with it all. Hopefully this book and movie get enough honest publicity for people to educate themselves and spread the message to others.

Instead of "OMG you have to read this book/watch this movie. It's so sexy/dreamy/romantic how he takes control of the poor virgin girl and she kinda tames him. She doesn't like what he does only because she's a virgin though, that's normal because she doesn't know any better. But they end up together so it's so sweet!" why not "50 Shades of Grey isn't an accurate portrayal of BDSM. You know that right? Yeah, BDSM is actually about.......... What that book/movie is showing is an abusive relationship. Most victims of domestic violence stay because they think what's happening is normal and some of them even think they can change their abuser and help them. The book incorrectly normalizes and romanticizes that mentality and gives unrealistic expectations for victims and abusers alike, as well as for people that don't understand BDSM or abuse. In a real BDSM relationship...................would happen and these rules...............would be laid out and respected, .....................is abuse, etc."


Ever ask someone what their ideal relationship would be like and they struggled to give you an example? That's because healthy, respectful, consenting relationships are so hard to find! Most people try to describe such a relationship and are told they're asking for too much, it's impossible, or some statement along the lines of real men/women aren't like that and they need to settle themselves for something "real". More examples of healthy relationships in the media would help other people see something they want to relate to and understand things they don't know about, like BDSM. In the same way rude, incorrect stereotypes of LGBT and race are hurtful to those communities, so too is 50 Shades of Grey (and others like it) to the BDSM community.

I'll even go as far as to say that this book and movie are dangerous. There are many Christian's out there. Abusers (men or women) can be quite charismatic around others, but display a different personality with their victims. They are certain that what they are doing is right and blame their victim's dislike or hesitance on inexperience or personality, among other things. They often stoop at nothing to get into their victim's head and make them doubt themselves and believe that they should want what the abuser is promising or doing. Their goal is to get their victim to be obedient to a fault. If the victim wants to survive or avoid/cut down on being physically hurt, they must give in to the abuser and adopt the abuser's logic. The victim is wrong, the victim must try harder to please the abuser or must be punished, the victim deserves to be punished without knowing why or understanding the context of this. The abuser believes he/she owns the victim and can do with them as they please, whenever they please and believe they genuinely have a right to do this. The abuser will tell the victim that they "made" him or her hurt them and must do better next time. The abuser often tries to control the victim through fear, intimidation, psychological abuse, verbal abuse, economical abuse (money), sexual abuse, physical abuse, manipulation, and threats. The word "no" is meaningless to an abuser because the victim's thoughts, feelings, and opinions do not matter. The abuser does not need permission or consent. The abuser does as he/she pleases when they please. Wait.....did I just summarize everything that happened in 50 Shades of Grey? Hmmm.

In 50 Shades of Grey, Ana is "lucky" that she "changes" him. This is not the case in real life. Most Ana's are eventually killed by the abuse or kill themselves from the dark depression being abused often brings. Most Ana's are trained to live in fear of everything around them and spend every moment of their lives in fear of disagreeing with or displeasing their Christian's. Most Ana's have no way out and remain trapped, fearful of even speaking up about their experiences. Most Ana's are told by society that it is their fault. That they're not trying hard enough to change their Christian's and they should stop making or letting their abuser be this way. That staying would change them, children would change them, being more submissive would change them, etc.

Worst of all, are the Ana's that are told the Christian's are being totally normal and completely rational and the problem lies with the Ana's, not the Christian's. The Ana's that are blamed and shamed and guilted. The Ana's that are shown examples of Christian's on TV, in books, in the media, and in real life and told all men/women are like this, or "See? It's everywhere. What are you complaining about?"


We are being bombarded with incorrect information everywhere we look. Isn't something wrong with society when the majority calls fictional abuse "romantic" but participates in victim shaming in real life cases of abuse? Many people do not even know how to identify abuse or what trademark signs of an abuser or victim are. But hey, 50 Shades talked about bondage and sex so it's fiesty and hot. Knowledge is the key to progress IMO. Instead of filling our time and minds with 50 Shades of Garbage, these opportunities would be better utilized demonstrating healthy relationships and sharpening - no - bolding the line between abuse and BDSM, which are nowhere near the same page. Give society something real to fantasize about dammit.

 

[LadyDeath]

I agree however Shadow, the answer to your questions is money.


In the same way that Disney is embracing its influential power, why can't books and movies do the same? = Because we live in a different society form yesterday where money matters. The media wants money and they are going to sell a movie that all the fans want to see instead of a movie with a life lesson to make the billions. Money is everything to the Westernized society.

Why Can't Books Do The Same ? - It's because Authors write and publish what they want and there is no law against it. It is also an individual's choice to read the book. I came to the conclusion that the book should been 21+ years and over like most books and came with warnings that it has ( graphic violence , forced submission, abuse , unreal situations ) etc.

I agree with the book being one of Abuse as i said earlier that the line blurred in the movie and many think "oh so this is what BDSM is , maybe i will try it " . However, that was not the case. Abuse is happening all over the world and the media thought it was a great idea to publish into a movie because 'close door bedroom activities ' are interesting for people that are inexperienced.

It all comes down to the MEDIA. A movie can be made inno , but only through the media ( publishing companies, box offices , public relations , movie production companies etc. ) can it be spread to the public. Our world is messed up today. Ever heard the quote " Sex sells" .
We live in a corrupt society today that instead of protecting and educating our children , we are 'opening them up' to the whispered things of the world. That is not education!

 

[Shadowhunter]

I've heard "sex sells" a lot and I see this way too often, almost everywhere. Maybe we can list examples of healthy relationships in books, movies, and other works here so there's a reference point and something of substance to compare.